Life – Page 12 – The Creative Salad

Looking back on 2011

2011 had it’s ups and downs, though perhaps not in ways that one might expect.

In all honesty, spraining my ankle and not having been able to run for the past six months has been much more devastating to me than my inability to stay pregnant.

Those daily runs have been my solace over the past few years. A moment of quiet time to focus my mind and have time to myself. In the meantime I’ve tried to make do with frequent walks listening to books on tape, but it’s not the same. I miss those runs.

David too has been plagued with injuries this year. His back sprain over the past few months have kept him from progressing in his yoga practice as he tries to strengthen and heal his back. (That being said, his yoga practice is phenomenal and he was recently called “a pillar of the [local ashtanga yoga] community.”)

Our health issues aside, I do believe that 2011 has been one of my very favorite years ever. We have a wonderful group of friends here and truly love where we live. After toying with the idea of pursuing a life elseware, both David and I arrived at the same conclusion: We’re not going anywhere. Sonoma County is home and neither of us can imagine living anywhere else.

While every year with David has truly been wonderful, this year I feel like we’ve really hit our stride. We’ve watched our respect and love for each other continue to grow, and after nine years together I awed by our love for each other. I could never have imagined loving anyone so fully. I feel very, very blessed.

Our daughter is such a joy. The craziness of three and a half definitely threw us for a loop (I could pull my hair out just thinking about it!), but we’ve hit our stride and love every day together. She forces us to grow on a seemingly daily basis and for that I am truly grateful.

David and I both thrive in this ever changing, constantly challenging yet incredibly rewarding environment. Thankfully life is never boring around here.

People ask what we’re busy doing and I always have to pause before I explain: life! Between the cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, lessons and playdates, we don’t have a free moment. My to-do list is pages long. The sink is full of dishes. Laundry is overflowing everywhere. Our life is full. A beautiful, crazy mess, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

May 2012 be as wonderful.

Savoring the Fall Things

Discovering stars in apples,
climbing giant hay pyramids,
feeding baby animals,
collecting acorns and leaves,
amassing gourds,
taking crunchy walks,
cooking warming foods (such as the Brazilian cheese bread shown above),
creating artistic leaf activities,
loving autumn in wine country.

Someone’s Feeling Better

(and it’s not just our daughter!)

After being sick with stomach flu (and a cold) for a week (!!!), our girl is finally feeling better.

Seeing her out of bed, twirling and dancing around the house warms this mama’s heart. Ah, what a long week it’s been.

Thank you over and again for your kind comments and messages of support yesterday. What an incredible community we have! I feel very thankful for the support of so many wonderful friends.

Talking about our experiences, processing and sharing what has happened to us, and realizing that women all around us have experienced this too, so helps me feel better. We are not alone and I find that in itself very comforting. Hugs and love to you!

Yes, these are Maternity Clothes and, No, I’m Not Pregnant

Why do we feel scared to talk about fertility issues in public places?

Almost every woman I know has a story to tell. Friends and family who have tried to get pregnant for years, who have miscarried. Again and again. Once, twice, three times.

We are not alone, yet we feel alone.

At what point do we stand up and say, “I’m having trouble getting (staying!) pregnant. I feel worn down and exhausted from months and months of being stuck in the first trimester with nothing to show for it.”

We don’t really talk about it, do we?

I, for one, have never talked about it here on my blog. A huge, giant (!!) part of my life over the past four years that you don’t know about. Because I’ve never had the courage to write about it before.

I’ve often wondered, how many times do I have to miscarry before I feel ready to share it with you? I’ve brushed aside the urge, telling myself that I’ll write about my journey once I have good news, once I make it to the second trimester.

Well, what if I never get to the second trimester again? I’m not saying this looking for reassurance because, quite frankly, neither you nor I can offer any. I may never have another baby again. But we will try and try again because I am willing to do anything to be pregnant again, to give our daughter a sibling, to bring another Spritzer Leyba into this world.

Through all of this, I feel so lucky to have our beautiful daughter and to know know that my body can grow a healthy, beautiful baby. It is possible. I have to hope it will happen again.

Yet I feel so weary and worn down in this journey. Each month, every single time we’ve ever tried, an egg has been fertilized. Yet only once in my life have I been able to stay pregnant. These chemical pregnancies, with a false sense of security as I am pregnant one week but not the next, and miscarriages are mentally and physically exhausting. How many times can we try?

So we are taking a break. For our mental well being, and to give me a rest from the constant morning sickness and hormonal roller-coaster of the last several months.

I will have energy for our daughter. I will have more time for myself, to exercise and eat right and take care of myself.

And each night I will climb into bed and hold fast to my husband and feel grateful for the beautiful life that we have. Because even in the worst of it, life is pretty darn good.

First Dance Recital

Our daughter (shown above, third child from the right) was the smallest, youngest and most interpretive of the enthusiastic dancers.

Following directions in time with everyone else is so ~~challenging~~ ~~tricky~~ overrated when you’re three years old. Yep, that’s our peanut doing downward dog in dance class.

Look at her move with pure joy! (She’s on the left, above.)

My heart nearly melted.